I keep getting a message on my Facebook page. Telling me to look at how awesome my year was..
And random pictures have been somehow collated to give the overview of the year that has been..
for Suzanne Gakowski.
They are lacking though, these pictures.
They lack the reality of extremes that I endured in the last 365 days.
The year can, in a way, be summed up in a conversation I had with a great friend in the early days of September.
Sheldon was in a hospital bed..horrendously ill.
Cancer was wreaking havoc with us.
And I went on a coffee run. Sitting in the passanger seat, I said with something of a sigh.. "I'm not sure if I can become a motherless child and a widow in the same year..."
This year has been all about extremes.
Feeling intense grief.
Unbearable loss.
Fear.
Faith.
Absolute desperation for a miracle.
Commitment to believing.
Mountains of doubt.
Extremes.
Those extremes don't last.
The intensities fade.
Intense grief is numbed to an ongoing reminder that she has gone home first. That she glimpsed that wonder and majesty of a heaven clad Jesus and no earthly, daughters love could keep her here.
The unbearable nature of my loss becomes bearable... Because there is not much option otherwise. You bear it or it beats you.
Fear and faith walk close to each other.
It's what you feed that grows.
Feed your fear, fear will multiply.."what if this... What if that...." There it goes. Fear growing fat.
Feed you faith, faith will strengthen. "Even if this..Even if that..." It is well.
There are moments..
They live deep in my soul.
They moved in to my world this year.
This 2014.
The moment Helen got engaged.
The moment we took mum and dad to Romeo and Juliets for their anniversary dinner.
The moment my twins turned 7.
The moment I sat on a plane, clutching my bible and my sisters hand as we flew with hammering hearts to be by her side.
The moment I knew it was not a matter of if but a matter of when.
The moment that when became now and she left.
The moment I sat my sons on my lap and whispered that Granny wasn't coming home.
The moment I walked into a coffin room, confronted with the choice.
The moment we stood in that church with an ocean of love behind us and cried our grief out.
The moment my eldest son whispered that he would be my strength, and that I needed to remember that a Granny was actually more alive in heaven than she had ever been on earth.
The moment that Helen walked down the aisle 10 weeks later, resplendent in white and married her love.
The moment that Sheldon rang me, voice hoarse and told me the cancer was killing him... Growing faster than I could believe.
The moment I saw him in a hospital bed, fading.
The moment he was wheeled away into surgery.
The moment the tumor was removed and I hugged that surgeon tight.
The moments..
This was a year of big moments.
But through it all
Through it all
My eyes are on You.
Through it all
Through it all
It is well.
IT IS WELL.
2014- it is well.
Maybe not great at times.
Maybe not happy at times.
Maybe not easy at times.
But it is well.
It is well with my soul.
There is a deep peace that still reigns over each of the moments.
Where would I be without that peace, that is an anchor in the face of the squalling waves?
So... I will smile at the stroke of midnight and watch as 2014 is placed in the past.
I will look at the moments.
I will remember the goodness.
I will welcome 2015 with wide open arms.
I will declare that 2015 is a year of peace, hope for some calm sailing, believe that our miracle will continue it's outworking.
And through it
IT IS WELL.
