The twins are turning 9 tomorrow. My birthday boys.
They have been acting out the past few days. .. cranky, cantankerous little things.
It's meant we've had tough-try to get to school in one piece- this mumma is slowly losing it-type days.
It's just been downright crazy town.
And tonight I said "so... give me some clues here. What do you want for your birthday??"
Silence.
A sniffle.
And then the sound of tears.
"I just want one more hug from my dad..."
That was me done in.
Me.
Done.
Totally. Absolutely done.
How do I answer that?
What can I say?
I just cried.
We all did.
Sometimes I don't have any words.
I have nothing.
I'm left to look at the wave of grief that floods in and leaves us flailing for a moment.
We huddle down.
We bunker together in a tight little knot of hugs and sobs.
And we let it wash over us.
This separation that we are learning to navigate.
The pain of not having a daddy here to hug.
And when we can talk...
When the tears have run their course. .. we talk.
We whisper about how amazing he was.
We giggle at the way he sang really off key.
We remind each other that he wanted us to be kind and brave. And how sometimes that bravery looks like us crying with each other.
I don't know the science of it... but crying is just plain, straight out good for the soul.
It's a recalibration.
Tonight we recalibrated.
They've gone to bed..
Finally.
All cried out and somehow more settled than they've been in days.
It's calm and quiet here now.
Like the calm that steals in after a wild storm.
And I'll wait until my babies are asleep.
And I'll wrap the books and games they'll unwrap tomorrow.
Oh. How I would move heaven and earth if it was in my power to give them their birthday wish. Just one hug.
Listen.
Don't ever be too busy
or too cranky
or too tired to relish a hug with someone you love.
Breathe them in.
Be there.
Wrap your arms around them. All of their imperfection and their perfection.
Be there and just hug them.
Today. When you read this... would you set it as a priority to hug someone precious to you.
Matthew and Lukas are 9.. they get a birthday wish. ..And we declare it to be national hug someone you love day.
March 2. One more hug day.
Because just one more hug... Well, it would make the world of difference.
