Time is fleeting...

Because he is gone, by its very murderous nature, cancer has also gone.

No more cancer.
Lukas, in his 8 year old capacity to process the big issues, has come to the conclusion that terminal diseases are stupid. When I asked him how he came to that conclusion, he shrugged and said.."Well... It wanted to kill dad.. and it did. But it ended up killing itself too. Stupid cancer."
Stupid cancer.

Cancer took so very much of my attention. 

I only realise now, in these after days, that everything that we did in the past 3 years was done with the shadow of the "what if...".
We pushed it back with all of our might.
We fought and we raged against it-

We did a very good job of living and working and filling up the time we had with really worthwhile moments, but it's only now that I can reflect and see what we were carrying.
We were carrying the knowing- the deep seated knowledge that time is fleeting and what we had left was limited.

Time is fleeting.

Don't get me wrong.
This is not, in any form, a conceding that cancer won.
The message stays the same- cancer is no victor- it is a murderous thief.
And somewhere in the chaos of losing him, I came to an understanding that time is fleeting.
And not just for the terminal.
Not just for the palliative.

Time is fleeting.

Some days are going to feel like they just won't end.

They will drag their stubborn feet in a dissolute and discordant chorus of the monotonous. 

I know. 

For all of those toddler years... Those days just felt like they would never end. 

Sheldon was the champion of the toddler years- I only barely made it through with remnants of sanity intact. 

The teething and the constant nature of having toddlers felt like it was my lot in life.

And I willed it away...

I would dream of a time when they would get themselves dressed.

And buckle their own seat belts..

I would wish them to hurry in their growing.

If only I'd realised that time is fleeting.

Time will always move.

I don't need to encourage it on its way.

I'm struggling with the idea of wasted time at the moment.

Time that I had..

When the boys were little and we were a "normal"  family.

Time when I would pick on all of the things that were wrong in my life without giving pause to celebrate the fact that we were alive, we were together...

It's not regret.

Regret is a painful burden of wishful thinking.

A burden of missed opportunity.

No... It's not regret that I encounter, but rather just the knowledge that I spent too much precious time willing time to move. Wanting change and demanding perfection. 

Wasted time.

Days and nights when I wouldn't speak to him. 

I'd be carrying a hurt or an offence.. I'd bundle it up and I would be silent.

I want to scream at her, that younger me, "Don't do this!!! Let it go. You've made your point, he knows you're upset. Now stop. Make this right. Time is fleeting."

I'm not saying I wish we'd never fought... He infuriated me and I drove him up the wall sometimes. 

I'm saying I wish I'd been quicker to let it go...

It's the time I left his apologetic, sweet text message go unanswered for hours.. Just to prove my point.

That's hours of wasted time.

Time that I ransomed.. Selfishly and for no gain.

I'm struggling with the memory of the times we said, "there's just no time..."

"There's just no time to go away for the weekend.."

Because we were busy. And because we didn't know, truly know, that time is fleeting.

"There's just no time..."

Listen... 

Make the time.

Spend your time wisely.

Let it go-If it can be resolved quickly, resolve it. Move on. 

Don't be fooled into thinking that the monotony of this current situation is going to define all of your days. 

Time is fleeting.

And you need to grab it with both of your hands and use it wisely. 

Because when there is no more time left... Well, there's just no more time.

 And time... Another hour. Another day. Another month. Yes... Time. 

Time is all you want.