Defining moments.

I had a beautiful moment last week.

It was a beautiful week and I had some lovely, laughable, make a heap of memory type moments, but one moment... I had one moment that was truly beautiful.

I was heading to a tropical hideaway..

Me and four friends. We were laughing easily and enjoying the gift of being away from reality.

As we were preparing to board the boat that would whisk us to clear seas and white sand, a crew member commented on our little group.

"All the girls having fun hey?" He asked me

"Yes... It's a girls get away. Much needed!!!" I replied with a smile.

"So.. You leave the husbands at home??" He continued.

"Yeah... Husbands at home..." And with that I walked away.

Husbands at home.

My smile faltered and my steps got instantly weighed with the heaviness of my situation.

 Husbands at home.. It echoed and taunted me.

Yeah.., I wanted to yell back over my shoulder. I left my husband at home... In his grave.

I wanted to lash out. 

The "widow-ness" of my situation was suddenly all I could hear and see.

Sometimes it's like that.. 

I felt the aloneness of my situation setting up camp and threaten to define the way I lived that day. 

Lonely is an emotion that was never designed to be a character trait.

And so... I trudge onto the boat.

The lonely widow.

The sea suddenly isn't so blue and the sky is again the barrier that hides heaven from me. All at once I'm again aware of the permanent nature of his leaving and I'm sad.

And here's that emotional battle again.

I don't want an emotion to become who I am and how I act.

My sadness is real and genuine and authentically, painfully real...But it's a manageable emotion.

Now.., I'm no expert in anything but I am learning that I get to control these emotions and manage them. They don't get to run free range in my existence and build a personality profile that reads:

Lost her husband.. Sad and angry widow who views the world through a discontent and bitter lens.

Here's how that looked and worked as I was sitting on that boat.

I closed my eyes and as the boat gained speed I faced into the wind and went there... To the deep and profound emotion of loss and sadness. I stared that place down... Again... and felt it all.

Loss of anything you love is going to mean that sadness, anger, discontent, fear... They all come knocking at the door. They have legitimate claim as guests. 

It's just the reality of loss. 

But what I'm learning is that when the guest status of sadness transfers to "permanent resident", I'm no longer feeling sad... I become sad. 

When the fear of what comes next moves in and sets up shop, I'm no longer feeling afraid,  I become a fearful person. 

When an alone feeling buys up the real estate, I'm no longer feeling alone but I become a lonely person.

Some emotions need dealing with. They need to be felt and experienced... But they are not meant to become a defining trait of my character. 

I'm not meant to be defined by sadness. Or loss. Or fear. Or bitterness.

My days are not meant to be defined by fear or sadness or loss or bitterness..

I'm not meant carry the emotional burden of "hard-done-by"..

So I lean in. I faced into the wind and the sea spray and the sun.... And I dealt with that emotion of deep and profound loss. And.. Then I was gifted that beautiful moment of peace.

I chose peace...

 I. Chose. Peace.

Look... I'm no expert and I'm learning about how to be without him. Learning how to be untethered from that future with him. Learning how to smile at my future that's coming.

 And here's my latest lesson as I walk these days- I get to choose what I'm defined by. I don't get to control the situation. If I did... He wouldn't have breathed his last breath and I wouldn't be a widow. 

But he did.

And I am.

So.... What will I be defined as?

I have met people who are bitter, angry, lost and lonely people. They are defined. There character traits are a reflection of EMOTIONS that are allowed to flourish in a negative way. 

I'm not being trite about emotions here.... It's hard. Because those emotions.. The bitterness, the anger, the loneliness... They are a real place. Tangible. 

I know them. One sentence from a crew hand on a Fijian island and I'm picking those emotions up and carrying them on board with me.

But I don't want them to be me.

I want to trade them in for something better. Something life giving. Because loneliness and bitterness and anger are NOT life giving. At all. 

So... What will I be defined as?

Well... I'm choosing peace.

So hopefully I'll be defined by the trait of peace.

I'm choosing hope.

Which is the confidence to walk into my tomorrows and be ok.

So I'll be defined by the trait of hope.

I'm choosing kindness.

Oh.... Kindness.

When I'm not feeling remarkably kind. Let me choose kindness still.

And let my life be defined by kindness.

When I'm not feeling like I have much hope left. Let me choose hope still.

Let me choose hope.

What are you being defined by?

Everyone has a story... A journey to walk. 

And within the steps of that journey, you get to CHOOSE what will be the defining traits you walk away with. 

I walked onto that boat in Fiji loaded down with the widow-ness, the loneliness, the unbelievable weight of loss.

And I took a moment. I took a moment to lean in and choose what would define my day.

Sheldon showed us how to determine and define the hardest days.

In his palliative days.

In his sickest, hardest, end days....

He chose kindness.

He chose peace in the face of death. 

He showed how his days were defined by the hope that he chose.

He chose courage in the snare of fear.

He chose.

He determined.

And his days were beautifully, wonderfully defined.