Lessons in hope.

There's a catch phase in the world of educators. It's all about being a life long learner. In that world of teaching that currently seems a million light years away,  the goal was not to teach mere content, but rather instill the skills to continually learn.

I've learnt a few things recently.

I've learnt about the way cells forget to die and they keep multiplying. Hello tumor.
I've learnt that the liver is a really important organ and can be pushed only so far.
I've learnt how to wait in hospitals and how to talk to medical type people and actually understand most of what they say.
I've learnt perspective.
I've learnt that each day is kind of a big deal.
And I've learnt that it's really important to be an advocate for your own health.

And I think we've done a remarkable job in this aspect.
Sheldon has been actively involved and aware of each decision, each step.
I mean,  if anyone is going to be invested in surviving this,  it'd be him.

Yesterday we went into a health food store to get some more pH strips. One of the lessons we've learnt is that Sheldon is very acidic. We are working to get him more alkaline and in doing so have worked out what food helps this and what needs to be avoided.
He's avoiding coffee.
He's not going near high sugar food.
He's drinking green kale ginger turmeric lemon concoctions.
He drinks three litres of bi-carb water each day.
We boil bark-looking reishi mushrooms and he drinks the amber coloured extract.
He can't have much fatty food because it interacts with his medication.
So we make our own sugar free fat free cereal and he eats it.
He has green tea when I grab a coffee.
He asks for water when I have a red wine.
And yesterday we were in this shop. We were looking at the $35 packet of organic corn flakes. Seriously.
And we got talking to one of the assistants.
Just looking thanks.
We are testing his pH. Why? 
Terminal cancer. Very acidic.
All very conversational.
And this well meaning health food expert says well... you must go vegan. No meat. No meat at all. You want to beat this don't you..eat no meat.
Sigh.
I looked at Sheldon and saw his face fall.
This is the toughest part of this current stretch of the journey.
The "are we doing the right thing all the time to try to stay alive" part.

The part where he looks at a steak with pepper sauce and baked potatoes.. a glass of Hunter Shiraz... a creme brulee that has that perfect sugar crust...
And I can see him weigh it all up. Will it work?
Can it be the answer? 
Is this what will help keep the cancer from growing?

I know that it matters.
I know.
Yes.
What we eat is important.
Yes.
Sugar is bad.
Yes.
We know.

But. I take issue today with my husband feeling guilty for wanting a steak.
Or a beer.
Or a coffee.
Or whatever it is that he wants.
Because the guilt is the direct result of fear.
Fear.
Fear mongering.
Not a fan.
Not a fan of the supposing assumption that he might not be giving it all he has to survive this.

I am a fan of suggestions.
Of ideas we might not have come across. It's how we found out about the pH.
I am a fan of email links to interesting articles on what is happening in the hunt to find a cure for cancer. Because a cure would be great hey.
I am a fan of kind hearted friends who turn into warriors when I need them to.
I am a fan on knowing what helps the body work to its best ability and I like talking to people who know more about it than I do. I like talking to people who trade in hope.
I'm a big fan of hope. Not fear.
Because here is the best lesson I've learnt.. hope gives energy to the changes that we put in place. If we are going to try something to beat back this cancer and to get more time, it's best carried out with hope as the motivator.
If Fear drives us, well.. that's just asking for trouble.
Fear takes all the energy away and leaves us feeling guilty and concerned.
Fear says "what if...."
Hope says "even if..."

Yep. I'm a fan of hope.