Football, doughnuts and runaways.

We tried to go home.

The house was so full of his voice.

The 'to do' list is just so long.

He left pink folders filled with bills and hand written instructions on what to do next. 

But I'm not ready to read them. 

I tried,  but the first note I picked up started with "I'm sorry you have to do this alone babe..."

It was the phone bill.

He was the bill payer. 

Most relationships have the bill payer. 

The person who knows what's due and when. 

He was that person. 

So.. we went home from the initial post-funeral  beach side escape and I paid the phone bill. I paid the funeral home. I spent three hours at the bank where I filled in the deceased estate forms and handed over certified copies of wills and death certificates. 

And my heart hurt.

It actually physically hurt.

And so. 

We ran away. Again. 

And I'm very aware that the list of what I have to do is still waiting for me. It can wait. 

I'm aware that this is not facing reality. 

Well. I'm ok with that.

I'm ok to let the reality and the realness of this be pushed back for a little bit longer while we follow our football team to the finals. While we find the best Nutella filled doughnuts in Melbourne. 

Because the truth is this- we know. 

We know he's not at home. 

We know he's not at work. 

We know.

We know.

And even this escape isn't far enough away from reality to stop that knowing from walking these streets with us. It's a shadow that is just there. Over our shoulder. Yesterday the knowing. .that shadow of knowing.. caught up with Krystopher. And he sat in a cafe in the middle of Melbourne and cried. 

I couldn't say or do anything to fix it. When the knowing catches up with you.. well. There is nothing to be done but to let it wash over you in it's waves. And then..as the harsh knowing receded and his tears eased,  we got up and went to the football. Because that's how we keep living through this terrible knowing. We just get up and we live. We live with the shadow of knowing. We live anyway.

And one day. When we're ready to run face first into that reality and routine of the real life, we'll go home and I'll open up the next pink folder. But not today. Today we have doughnuts to discover.